Freaking Out Squares

Monday, September 04, 2006

Weekend Wrap-Up (or, Dispatches From the Road, Part 2)

I'm back at my computer in Astoria, so technically this is not a dispatch from the road, but I did write several drafts of this on the train ride back. Anyway, I'm far more relaxed and refreshed than I was when I left this mess for the immutable boredom of "the Midstate," and although my dad's intestinal disturbances (remember, folks, that's "clyndamicin," and don't take it unless you're infected with flesh-eating staph) prevented us from delving as deep into PA Dutchland as I would have liked, I still got some good pictures of local tack that I'll past here later this week. (And really, doesn't the guy have a million better things to do than haul my sorry, spoiled ass around Lancaster County so I can take pictures of kitschy oddities?)

Some highlights:

1. The Ku Klux Klan held a rally at the Gettysburg Battlefield this weekend. The local newscasters kept tripping up and saying "Klu Klux" or "Ku Kux." All together now, folks...

A peace-loving gent (he was wearing tie-dye) was arrested for hurdling the barricade separating the Klan from the normal folk. The charge? "Entering an enclosed space." As my dad says, what's next--"breathing restricted air"?

2. The outskirts of Lititz are turning into exactly what I'd prayed for as a kid, a suburban megalopoly that, if not quite up to the standards of the Main Line, at least contains more than one Starbucks. Careful what you wish for and all that jazz.

3. Route 441 is the most boring road in PA. (Gee, how many PA roads fit that description?)

4. Even the blandest food tastes like manna when your dad cooks it for you.

5. According to Grandpa, "accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior" has no metaphorical bent. It means what it says--worship Jesus. Grandpa's problem with this is that Jesus, while a great prophet with wonderful ideas, is not equal to God, and thus is not deserving of worship. My problem is with the idea that I need to be "saved" from something. We both agree that most churches are not teaching the Word of the only begotten son of our Lord (hmmm...what does THAT metaphor mean?)and thus we are both heretics who will burn in hell. But we already knew that.

6. Speaking of burning--Grandpa, in his quiet way, gave me a much-needed smack upside the head regarding smoking. (As did the lovely young med student sitting next to me on the train ride back.) "I don't guess I need to tell you how bad smoking is," he said. "Your grandpa can't breathe, and your uncle died from emphysema." Ouch.

I'm nowhere near ready to quit, but sweet jeebus, the smoking thing is really fucking with my newfound ability to go into head voice whilst singing "The Sound of Music." Therefore, I've resolved to get myself down to a steady half-pack a day within the next two weeks, where I plan to remain until I decide what to do next. (Which, we hope, would be to quit, young lady?)

7. Gray's Anatomy really is a good show.

Thanks to Dad, Grandpa, and Vera for the free eats, therapy, and all-round hospitality this weekend. Vera, I promise to get out more this year, even if it kills me, because it's too expensive to be a hermit in NYC. I mean, it kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Back to school tomorrow, kids! Sharpen those pencils and spit out your gum--I'll have a little Language Arts lesson of my own up here when the bell rings tomorrow morning.


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