Freaking Out Squares

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

My Brain Hurts

My friend MarkRickSteve was in town last week visiting his brother, and he told me the following story:

"This morning, we were in this little boutique in the West Village and I started talking to the cashier. She asked me where I was from, and I said Chicago. 'What time zne is that in?' she asked me. I didn't think too much of it--some people might think it's in Eastern or Mountain. So I said, 'Central' and I told her that it's an hour behind Eastern, so it would be ten-thirty there. So then SHE says, 'Is that a.m. or p.m.?'[Loud, profane expression of disbelief from me.] No, wait, it gets worse. I told her the reason I was so tired was I'd just taken the red-eye from L.A. 'Oh, what time zone is that in?' she asks again. I tell her, 'Pacific, which means it's THREE hours behind, which means it would be eight-thirty in the morning there.' And then she says, I swear to god, 'A.M. OR P.M.????!!!!!'"

MarkRickSteve also informed me that his brother's generation--he's ten years younger than we are, so I guess that would make them Gen Y--prefers Leno to Letterman. But...but...but...Leno's not funny! (Here I must confess: The one time I was in L.A. myself, I was coming back from the awesome Buffalo Exchange with my friend Thomasina's Human Mother when we saw a silver-haired man standing on a corner signing autographs. "Maybe it's Bill Clinton," THM suggested. Of course it was not; it was guess who. I don't know if it was the marine layer or the magic of the desert air or WHAT possessed me, but I leaned out the window of THM's car and yelled, "Jay, you rock!" Four seconds later, I smacked myself upside the head. Please let the record stand that I hate, hate, hate Leno.)

Personally, I think these Gen Y kids eat too much sugar and play too much XBox. That's why they hold these Kafkaesque ideas about Leno being funnier than Letterman. Which reminds me--you probably already know that the U.S. government pays farmers to plant a surplus of corn. Guess what they do with it? Turn it into high fructose corn syrup! So if you buy a can or bag of something or other and you see high fructose corn syrup listed as one of the top five ingredients, throw it away. This is a government plot to make you stupid and convince you that Leno is funnier than Letterman, and that ain't America, kids.


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