This Is Not a Food Blog...

…but hoez gots to eat too, to quote Hollywood Shuffle. And since this blog has “kitchen” in its name, I suppose we’re long overdue for some down-home cookin’, Karla-style (i.e., whatever is in the fridge that we can slap together that tastes remotely Mexican). So without further ado, I present…

Shrimp and Black Bean Sludge with Texmati Rice

Ingredients:
One tablespoon olive oil
Half a green pepper, cored and chopped
Two medium tomatoes, chopped
One small tomatillo, chopped
A handful of fresh cilantro, chopped
Half a pound of large, cooked shrimp, defrosted (I use the precooked kind from WholeFoods)
About two cups (or one can) of black beans
Cayenne, cumin, coriander, and salt to taste
Juice of one small lime
Mole (optional)
A few drops Tabasco sauce (optional)
One tablespoon salsa (again, optional)
Texmati rice (you can use any kind of rice you want—this is just what I had on hand)

Hark, kitchen slattern! Whither onions and garlic? Well, I didn’t have any, and I certainly didn’t have the time or energy to run out and buy some, so they got the shaft. Actually, strict Ayurvedics give them the shaft too, on the grounds that they’re too difficult to digest. If you simply can’t do without onions and garlic and you have some on hand, by all means, chuck ‘em in.

Instructions:
1. Cook the rice according to the package directions. Do not use instant—it’s Ayurvedically unsound. Okay, use instant if you must. If you do, you can wait until the sludge has simmered for a while before cooking it. If you’re using the uncooked kind, start cooking it before you make the sludge, especially if you’re using a sixty-year-old gas stove, like I am.

2. Slosh the olive oil the pan, chop up yer veggies, and sauté on high for a few minutes. Reduce heat to medium.

3. Chop up the cilantro and toss that in.

4. When the veggie mix has softened to a “sludge-like consistency” (the things I learn from this woman! If she’s reading this, she must think I’m a total star-fucking freak), pour in your black beans.

5. Did you forget to defrost your shrimp while all this exciting activity was going on? That’s okay; so did I. Just fill a bowl of warm water, plop in the shrimp, and soak them for five minutes. Don’t forget to give the sludge a stir or three, and pay attention to that rice, for god’s sake!

6.Take the heads/tails/appendages off the shrimp and add it to the sludge. Stir well.

7. Add the cayenne, cumin, coriander, salt, and lime juice per instructions. Turn up the stove for a quick spin, stir, then reduce heat to medium.

8. Check email. Decide to add some of that mole that’s been hanging out in your fridge for nigh on to a year. Get kicked offline.

9. Hey, some Tabasco sauce might taste good here too!

10. And you know, this salsa’s in here taking up room and gathering dust…

11. Oh, fuck! The rice is sticking to the pan, and so is the sludge! Add water to both.

12. Tell cats they can’t have any of this, even though they think they want it because it contains shrimp. Ignore plaintive mews.

13. When rice and sludge are at their proper gustatory consistency, shut off the burners and let ‘em stand for five minutes. Have a fag, take a piss, whatever.

14. Wash hands, pour sludge over rice, and eat. Muy delicioso y caliente!

If you have any leftover rice, put it in the fridge and use it to make rice custard. Guess who has an awesome recipe for that? You’ll have to buy her book to get it, though. Hell, I did.