Freaking Out Squares

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Make Me Normal!

More stuff going on with the ID theft, but I can't disclose it until the matter is resolved. Now, that's a tease, innit? As a college classmate remarked when our professor gave him a B-plus-plus on a paper, "Don't bring me to orgasm and then make me finish it off in the men's room!" Oh, yes, lewd did I live, & evil I did dwel.

Turning to non-classified matters, I've been rolling my eyes into my cranium at the whole Ted Haggard affair. I'm of the opinion that trying to "cure" homosexuality is like trying to cure someone of disliking Brussels sprouts--impossible, and thus an utter waste of time, space, and energy. And homophobic, but of course homophobia is a creation of us immoral, mentally ill traitors on the Left as an excuse for us to do whatever the hell we want before we start indulging in hot man-on-dog action under the glare of the eye of Mordor.

Ahem. I'm curious to find out what this allegedly curative process entails. Not that it would work on me--I'm not gay, for starters, and since I suspect it involves something to the effect of straying from Christ and reading that passage in Leviticus until your brain bleeds, it wouldn't take even if I were into "tuna tacos," to put it, um, quaintly--but I can't help but wonder if it's similar to the scenario posited by the great Jon Stewart last night on The Daily Show, wherein he likened the treatment to Dad catching you smoking behind the garage and then forcing you to smoke a whole carton. Hee. Yeah, like, do they stick you in Oz or something? That's not a guarantee, though--I just remembered this little tidbit I read about Lawrence of Arabia, who was raped and beaten by brigands and experienced "a delicious warmth...swelling through [him]." And then--THEN--after that happened, he actually PAID young, hot, swarthy natives to flog his buttocks whilst engaging in gay coitus. Horrors! Point being (other than that the "cure" for homosexuality is elusive and partial and differs with each individual*), I should do some research on this topic--the HomoCure, not gay flog-fucking--and share the info with y'all so you don't have to do it yourselves. Hell, it's not like I have anything better to do right now anyway, other than deal with this ID theft bullshit that I'm not allowed to discuss in any detail but keep bringing up because I'm an evil tease.

I've mentioned on here before that I grew up just 45 minutes from Amish Ground Zero, and the runoff effect into Harrisburg is a whole motherlode of hyperreligious, patriarchal bullshit, including but certainly not limited to fag-bashing. Ironic, perhaps, that three of my very close friends at my immensely gay-loathing high school--two girls and a guy--came out of their respective closets when we were in college. (We all joke that there's something in the water...hey, Three Mile Island is just down the road!) And now that I think about it, while lesbianism is certainly considered immoral in that them thar neck of the woods, I never thought it carried quite the visceral loathing and sense of betrayal that male homosexuality did, or does. So what the hell is that all about? Is this an extreme, Bible-freak example of more typical straight-male homophobia--you know, refusing to see Brokeback Mountain because you might catch gayosity? And could someone please explain to me how gay marriage is a threat to traditional marriage? Or will that just lure me down the rabbit hole of utter ignorance and stupidity, which I'll then end up trying to make sense of and just emerge feeling stupider than I already do?

Oh, yes, would that we could all fit into the traditional bounds of God, country, and family, and that all the therapy and religious training in the world would make that possible. Such a lovely thought, no? Such a lovely, idyllic, frightening, disgusting, Disney-esque, devastating thought.