Freaking Out Squares

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Lootellan, You Damn Saxy!

So, I'm up early this morning, on my way to perform hostessing duties at the NYC Youth Volunteer Expo, when I double-check my flyer and discover that the event is next weekend. Eups. Since I'm already showered and dressed, I make some coffee, check my email, and discover an email with this link, from a friend. The blog, "Girls Gone Gossip" (I think that's what it's called), as near as I can tell, is a piss-take on sites like Gawker and its ilk, told in the form of AIM chats that may or may not be fabricated. The entry in question is a brief commentary on "The 100 Unsexiest Men in the World [sic]" list, as gauged by Bill Jensen and Ryan Stewart of the Boston Phoenix, which is to Boston what the Village Voice is to NYC, and so on down the line. Anyway, according to GGG, Brad Pitt came in at number 100 on the Unsexy list, thanks to his reputed poor hygiene. (By the way, the friend who sent me this link has certain neuroses about celebrities and their potential BO, their gnarly teeth, and the potential for fecal matter contaminating their hands. Said friend had the untmitigated gall to claim, once, that Kevin Kline was a possible fecal offender. Hey, said friend! You know I applaud and support your little psychological disorder, but you don't be claimin' my man KK got shit on his hands, 'less you want me to open up a can of whupass! Dig?)

Celebrity trifle aside for the time being, I putter around, activate a couple of Hotmail accounts, and find myself on the Hotmail Today page, where lo and behold, there's an article about the 100 Unsexiest Men in the world! Oh, evil succubus, damn you and your venomous tentacles for suctioning me into your lair! A few more clicks, and I'm on The Phoenix's home page, reading the actual text that started it all. And what's the "it"? Why, the controversy that's sure to be spreading over the blogosphere like a super-resistant strain of avian flu, that's what! I'm probably making an ass out of you and me here, but this does seem to be the kind of thing that gets our collective internal organs in a spasm, so why not add my two cents? (Yikes--the first "current events" thing I post on here, and it's about the 100 Unsexiest Men. Why am I not delving into a detailed analysis of military spending, or even the recently averted doorman strike here in the city? Oh, right, because I'm not Ana Marie Cox. Would that I were--I'd feel so much better about myself!)

All right, then. Back to the list. Here are ten of Jensen and Stewart's picks, along with my commentary.

#1. Gilbert Gottfried. Oh, come on! Number one? Look, the guy's no Paul Newman, but give me a break! There are far more unsexy fellows out there who should have nabbed this spot, not least your number 11 choice, Michael Jackson. So he's the voice of that AFLAC duck--is that really more of a bucket of cold water on the genitals than a...thing who, as you put it, is the result of "when an ugly J.C. Penny [sic] mannequin has sex with Pogo, the clown identity of serial killer John Wayne Gacy"? Please.

#8. Osama bin Laden. Well...uh...yeah...but whether he's sexy or unsexy isn't first in my mind, certainly. I mean, the guy who ordered the bombing of the World Trade Center exists, at least for me, in a sphere way, way above (or below) sex appeal, or lack thereof. And your comment about Dick Cheney not being on the list because "power is sexy"? I'll give you an inch on the latter, but there's also what you do with your power, and a fellow who looks like a Madball and is responsible for the decimation of thousands of soldiers and civilians alike in order to protect his oil interests ain't gonna get my panties wet. Sorry, guys.

#9. Jay Leno.Hee. Good choice. Hate him. HATE him. So much. Flames. The side of my face. Heaving, heaving breaths. (Stole that from the late, great Madeline Kahn in Clue: The Movie.)

#12. Wallace Shawn. Hey, fuck you! I can "get past that nasally lisp," thank you very much! There's a reason Woody Allen (who did not, to my suprise, make this list, even though I kind of have a weird little thing for him) cast him as the stud in Manhattan, I'll have you know! (Well, okay, because the whole idea's absurd. Still, in my limited experience, I must say, it's the ones who spent their teen years playing Dungeons and Dragons and having dinner with Andre who know how to make love to a woman, as opposed to the star quarterbacks who are used to just showing up, and can't even do that without falling flat on their asses. Rough generalization, I know, but there's truth in it.)

#14. Richard Simmons. Of course. But too easy.

#38. Larry David. Ah, anti-Semites! Seriously, though, you fellows might be surprised how many of us ladies have a thing for whiny, bald, self-absorbed older Jewish men, and I'm not just talking about fuckin' weirdos like me.

#50. Ric Ocasek. Mixed reviews on this one. He's not a looker, but he's got that classic rock star sleaziness that's appealing in an I'm With the Band kind of way. Okay, you "know who his wife is. And no, [you] don't care." Two points: 1) What the hell does that have to do with RO himself? and 2) Are there any fellows out there, besides those in my immediate circle of friends, who are either gay or are fuckin' weirdos like me, who aren't spanking it to Paulina Porizkova? So she's "hot"! Who the fuck does that even mean, anyway? Ugh.

#59. Clay Aiken. Hee hee. See #9.

#62. Bill Maher. Look, some of us like geeks, all right? And by "geeks," I mean "those who do their homework and know their shit," not those who saunter up in dirty white baseball caps, Coors in hand, and try to impress us with tales of their stock portfolios and allegedly large dicks. So the guy needs a haircut! Far more easily remedied than a brain transplant, as we saw in Young Frankenstein. (You know, Gene Wilder is pretty goddamn adorable in that movie. Maybe because he's, oh, I don't know, a geek?)

And, finally: #100. Brad Pitt. I happen to think "hot" is overrated, whether you're this guy or Paulina Porizkova, and I'm not ashamed to say I never quite got Mr. Pitt's appeal. His face is rather simian, what with that pushed-out lower lip, and that blank stare of his puts me more in mind of a junkie than a soulful hunk of manliness thinking deep, tormented thoughts. (I am also proud to say I LOATHED resident hottie Jordan Catalano, master of the blank stare, on "My So-Called Life." Angela, sweetie, he's looking at you that way because he hasn't the brains God gave a goat, okay? So spare us your gaggingly self-absorbed monologues and start a grrrl band instead. Or get it on with your geeky neighbor, Brian Krakow! Just give him a haircut first.) Anyhoo, that said, I can't really consign Mr. Pitt to the circular filing bin, thanks to his awesomely over-the-top performance in Twelve Monkeys. I like to think that anyone who can turn in such an amazing display of batshittery has some intelligence, but I still won't be bothering BP for some tail any time soon, and not just because of Angelina Jolie or those rumors about his BO. Hey, I hear Sting is not, shall we say, committed to grooming, but I spent the better part of high school totally besotted with him. (Of course, I didn't know about his shoddy bathing habits then, but no matter. He's still hot. Oh, that word! But he seems like kind of a geek, too.)

Yheesh! I didn't realize that was going to take me so long. No wonder I'm so hungry (snark). Anyway, be right back...

All right. I'm eating some cereal now. Breakfast at 2:40 p.m., and I've been up since 8. As you can see, I treat my body like a temple. Anyway, while that was fun, I'm a bit puzzled as to the authors' motivations in compiling this list in the first place. Are they gay? Perhaps, but that's too easy, and it's not like there aren't straight men out there who are capable of evaluating the sexiness of their own gender. But assuming these gentlemen are hetero, I'm still kind of all, what the fuck? I mean, did they do research? Did they ask for any female input? Or were they so stumped for content that they decided to just cobble a list of ugly (and, in some cases, not so much) men, and put the issue to bed? And why, oh why, did I spend all day on this? Kill me now.

Oh, well. Could have been worse. They could have given us a "100 Unsexiest Women" list, which would have been so totally piggish. Yeah, I know there's a whole host of guys out there who bore the brunt of fag jokes, atomic wedgies, and pretty girls ignoring them at the dances, and maybe this article will provoke in them the righteous anger a female version would elicit from me. But we're still so criminally underdeveloped when it comes to feminist issues--and I mean very simple ones, like equal pay, and not teaching our daughters that we're incomplete without a man to love us--that a "100 Unsexiest Women" list would prove nuclear at best. Maybe sometime before the earth becomes uninhabitable, we'll be able to laugh at such a thing, but that ain't gonna happen any time soon. So, Messrs. Jensen and Stewart, thanks, I guess, for not going there, at least.

Oh, some picks from my "100 Sexiest Women" list? Bebe Neuwirth and Annette Bening, of course. Now, those ladies are HOT!


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